If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT