absolutely not
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I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome