[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
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FRED: right
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again