[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
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Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.