Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
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*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.