So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Lassie, get help!
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is