FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
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Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Netflix: We have Less
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.