Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.