[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Fidel Castro was alive?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”