Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”