My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
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I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The Joker was right
Go hard or stay average
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude