Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
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Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Owl Sanctuary
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Yes, but it was never about money
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE