I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
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5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Does beer think about me too?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?