hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
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Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡