me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
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I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
is this how new cars are made??
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back