I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
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“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
house sitting!
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.