Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
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I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
oh shit
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.