Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Lol
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back