“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
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Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Netflix and you sit over there.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.