Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this