Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
You Might Also Like
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.