At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
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Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss