Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house