Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
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50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
*launders Kohls cash*
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.