My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.