As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
This did not end as expected.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit