Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”