MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.