proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
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I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
No, I don’t think I will.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Still my favourite meme.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.