wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
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If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.