When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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They did not think through this water fountain
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March