“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
You Might Also Like
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.