Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
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Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.