And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
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I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.