Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
You Might Also Like
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
October already? What’s next? November????
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now