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Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted