[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
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Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable