you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
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If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I’m sorry…what?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids