If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.