if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos