Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
This is a true ally.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.