Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
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Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
felt that