waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
😂😂😂
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT