I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
spot the difference
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
*limbos away from your hug*
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.