If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
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Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test