In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Google assistant rules
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.