I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
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The sacred texts.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
God making man in his image was the original selfie
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa