Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
The game has officially changed 😎
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?