7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
You Might Also Like
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Dead sexy!!
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Nice try, NASA
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.