Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I’m not stressed
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.